Dear Sir. We’d quite like to sell you something.

May 23rd, 2012 § 0 comments

An email plopped through my inbox today. From a sales bod hoping to get a lead and make some sales. Had he done some research futher than “ooh, they’re a big company, I could make a few quid outta them” he might’ve found out who he should’ve emailed. I gotta give him some due though, he did get my name, spelt correctly, even though I’m not an outward member of staff and should be quite hard to just pick out of nowhere.

I drafted an email in response and just as I was about to click the send button, I remembered, it’s my work email, so must be professional. So I got a second opinion. Unfortunately, that opinion enjoyed the sentiment but advised against sending it. So, rather than waste it, my email can sit here. Unsent and unloved. Languishing in this desolate place until er, this blog disappears.

Good Morning [my actual real name],

I hope you get a chance to read this short email.

I was hoping to arrange a brief meeting with you over the next few weeks in relation to cisco refurbished equipment.

To explain briefly, ****** are a Cisco Authorised Partner, offering businesses a broad range of New, Cisco Certified Refurbished Equipment, and Cisco SMARTnet support management services. ****** help organisations save between 15-20% off your Cisco purchase through the Cisco Certified Refurbished Equipment (CCRE) program.

We already provide equipment to customers in the most demanding environments such as the ****** ***** ********, and the intensive care unit at ******** ***** and ***** NHS Trust.
Cisco Certified Refurbished Equipment is also used in the telecommunications networks of BT and Cable & Wireless.

Some key points on ******:

  • Have confidence in your network. All products are certified and refurbished to Cisco specifications, supported and warranted same as new product.
  • Protect your budget. Competitive pricing, no hidden costs, and financing available to overcome your budget constraints.
  • Protect and maintain your network. Support your legacy network needs from our comprehensive inventory of current and discontinued Cisco products.
  • Protect your business. Same-as-new warranty protection plus hardware and software support options for 24-hour support enable you to focus on your business, not your network.
  • Fulfilment. Same day PO shipping possible.
  • Financing. Available through Cisco Capital.

A quote from one of our customers – “Two years on and we have received hundreds of units from ******, and we haven’t had a single faulty unit or live failure. The savings we have made combined with the shorter lead time between signing a customer and getting their services live has really propelled our business. ****** always go the extra mile to deliver on their promises, so we can on ours.”

Would Thursday, the 14th of June or Wednesday the 20th of May suit to meet for an introductory meeting? If June would be more suitable, just let me know and we can schedule to suit your diary.

I look forward to hearing from you and thanks in advance.

Kind regards,

Sales Bod


Hi Sales Bod,

Thank you for your email and the brief outline of your company.

Unfortunately we have just entered into a contract to replace our aging IT system. The Commodore 64’s we currently employ are frankly, just not up to the job in this modern world and the sound of the programs loading from the cassette doesn’t do Ethel, the tea lady, any good at all. Nothing gets done between 10.15 and 10.30 as that is when Ethel does her round and we have to stop what we’re doing. The high pitched “beeee. burrrrrrrrrr. Weeewoooweeewoooo” sound completely incapacitates her and Geofrey, our cleaner, struggles to remove the stains from the carpet. It has been suggested ear plugs may solve the problem, but we can’t work out where on the computer or cassete player we would put them.

We are very excited about our new hardware as the Commodore Amiga 1000 will finally allow us to ‘go cyber’ at last. I hear there are dozens of pages on this new World Wide Web. I am looking foward to seeing the art of one of these modern performance artists that goes by the name of Goatse. You should look him up, it’s all very surreal and cutting edge and not too dissimilar to sword swallowing, I’m told.

I would like to meet you for a cup of tea and introduce you to Ethels’ belgian buns, but I am out of the country on 14th June. I am visiting Columbia to see how we can help some very nice chaps expand their business within the UK. It’s a very unusual product – white snuff. I don’t use it myself, but I’m told it’s very good so should go down well here where I’m told there is a bit of a revival in the snuff market, especially in ‘The City’.

A meeting on 20th May sounds ideal as I cleared my calendar of all appointments very recently but alas, our time and relative dimension in space machine has developed an unexpected fault and will only work in a horizontal plane, through dimensions, and refuses to traverse through time. We have called America Onlines’ support desk numerous times but all they suggest is to shut it down and reboot it and to check that the tesla machines’ polarity is correct. Goerge, our maintanence man, has had a look and says he doesn’t know if it is correctly wired or not, on account of being colour blind. I’m sure he isn’t, I think he’s just lazy. We only keep him on because he came with the building and for someone with only one arm, he’s surprisingly nibble at playing the accordian which always goes down a scream at the company Christmas parties.

We’re hoping to have our time and relative dimesion in space machine working soon though, as only this morning we sent Janet, the YTS lad, down to our local computer shop to pick up a copy of Windows 95 as the problem really started when we upgraded the Flux capacitor and I don’t think Windows 3.1 is compatible. What a marvellous company this Microsoft is. Just imagine what that Bill Gates chap could do if he really knuckled down and applied his mind to something useful, eh?

Chin Chin

Mike Hunt

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