Get out of my bloody way!

January 5th, 2011 § 2 comments § permalink

I’m sorry to have another rant. I don’t intend to be all miserable and negative here, but fuck it. It’s my blog and I’m getting really pissed off about this. I have to say something before I pull some one over and ram their faux leather driving gloves down their fucking neck.

I want one of these on the front of my car:

The ideal car
(image originally from here)

I am sick to fucking death of going down a slip road, seeing some doddery old cunt in front potter along at 45mph with traffic screaming past me at 70+mph. I am sick to fucking death of having that ‘we’re going to die’ feeling every time I try to join dual carriageway or motorway.

I say old bastards, but these people that seem too fucking scared to use the loud pedal don’t seem to be old any more. Or women (why do some women, and it is only women, drive with their nose pressed up against the windscreen?). There’s still the slow old gits about but it’s not the exclusive domain of the old to be doddery anymore. Dodderyness, when it comes to driving seems to have been democratised. It is now the domain of, it seems, just about fucking anyone.

Cars in general, and especially modern cars, have good brakes. They stop quicker than they accelerate. So why do these fuckwits seem to think that it is ok to fuck off down the slip road slower than a dead frog and expect to be able to pull into traffic that is doing at least 25mph quicker than themselves? Why the fuck doesn’t it occur to them that if they get their fucking arses up to speed they will be able to fit into a smaller gap? Or that it’d be easier to slow down to slip in behind a lorry than to speed up to get in front of Mr BMW travelling at the speed of fucking light.

I want a spatula on the front of my car to flip these cunts, just like a burger, out of my way. Flip them into the grass verge where they explode in dramatic fiery ball of death. The end reslut needs to be this severe so it serves as a warning to people who are slow as fuck as to what happens when you, not necessarily don’t go quickly enough, but fucking dither about and don’t get out my fucking way.

DVDs: Grrr (a rant)

December 31st, 2010 § 3 comments § permalink

Rant time.

Right, film studios, distribution houses, or whoever the fuck puts DVDs together. Sort it fucking out, you cunts.

When I put a DVD in the machine I do not want to have to sit through upto quarter of and hour of shit just to get to the fucking film. I’ve bought the film, paid good fucking money for it, supported your overblown, whiney fucking company instead of those terrorist supporting, drug dealing, baby-eating pirates so LET ME SEE THE FUCKING FILM.

OK, you got the splash screen of Universals’ Earth, Disneys’ Cinderella castle or Paramounts mountain and (flying?) horse, which I’ll let you have, but then you get a fuck load of notices, which I can’t skip. What the fuck is wrong with you fuckers?

  1. The Copyright Notice
    I know it’s illegal to copy the fucking thing. I know it’s A Bad Thing to share the chuffing film over the internet. I FUCKING KNOW. I don’t need to be told everyfucking time I play the fucking movie. if I was going to do any of those things, is displaying a fucking notice really going to change my mind? No it’s not,so Fuck. Right. Off.
  2. The Anti-Piracy Promo Vid
    The same goes for this ‘funky’, ‘edgie’, ‘down-with-the-kids’ video that is supposed to make you realise that pirated DVDs pay the IRA or Al-Quada or make drug dealers money so they can buy drugs to sell to your children. Well, it too can fuck the fuck off. It’s camera work induced motion sickeness, the music might be ok of it was longer and had the chance to actuall be a porper tune, and your bolloxed of your face on ketamine, and tells people who already know you (usually) get shit quality films from pirated stuff that you (usually) get shit quality films on pirated stuff.
  3. The Commentary Disclaimer
    What the cunting fuck is the point of that Commentary Disclaimer? Whatever the director/actors/teaboy say on the disc is obviously not the film companies official line, otherwise they would have an Official Spokesman on there saying it. There is not going to be anything contentious in their commentary because the film companies lawyers have ok’d it before the DVD was released. If it must be there, LET ME FUCKING SKIP IT, you fuckers.
  4. Movie Trailers
    What is the point in putting trailer fo other films on a DVD? the only films that get put on there are either other high profile movies that i) I already know about and are going to buy or ignore the existence of or ii) unheard-of shit films that the film house need to shift more copies of that. I buy a DVD to wathc the main feature over and over again over the years. Five years down the line I still don’t want to be told that a shit film is great and I should buy, when after five years it will still be a shit film and I probably couldn’t buy it even if I did want to. At least the trailers are usually skippable but sometimes, and I’m looking at you Thomas and the Magic Railway, they’re not and it is a fucking ballache having to press a button on the remote an extra six or seven times to get past them.
  5. Animated Menus
    Yeah, yeah. Very nice. They were a thing of wonder when DVDs first appeared. ‘Ooh, look at that. You don’t get that with VHS.’ No, you didn’t. Unless you pressed pause/stop the video player just got the fuck on with it. I see the need for a menu, what with all the options like subtitles, but when I select an option just fucking do it. Don’t fuck about with swirling graphics and morphing. Get. On. With. It.
  6. A special mention for Disney Fast-Play
    Disney Fast-Play: Fuck. Off. Go on, get the fuck out. Disney Fast-Play is a big fucking lie. What do you think should happen when the Fast-Play feature appears? You get the choice of Main Menu or Fast play. Main Menu takes you where you expect, but the words ‘Fast-play’ must mean that the film will start even quicker. Yahoo! Excellent idea Disney. Cut the shit and get to the film. But no. Fast-Play does exactly the opposite. It plays tall the fucking adverts and trailers and then I don’t know because I don’t sit through the fucking thing.
    So even if you don’t get fooled into watching the trailers, it still takes longer to get to the fucking main menu than non-Disney DVDs because there is and extra menu in the fucking way. Well done Disney. I hope you’re fucking proud of yourself.

I feel better for that. Happy New Year, dear reader.

Katie ‘Fish Slice’ Price

July 11th, 2009 § 1 comment § permalink

Katie Price, a.k.a. Jordan, is on the telly being interviewed by Piers ‘moron’ Morgan.


What the fuck is she doing on the fucking telly again? Why are people interested in this fucking person?
I realise that she is only doing what we all are – pay the bills. I also understand that the peole who keep putting her in magazines and on telly are also trying to put bread on the table. So can we please just ship of all the people that like this sort of thing to a remote fucking island planet?

What has she done? She’s had several kids by different fathers, got married and is now getting divorced. Along the way she has flashed her tits and got them made bigger, then smaller and also done some shit to her face.

What is so fucking interesting? She may have gone through something more than most single mothers because of Harveys’ problems, but she is not the only one and with the money she has earnt and still earning, she is in better position than most to be able to cope with it. There are thousands of single mothers and families that have gone through what she and Pete have gone through and would make a much better documentary subject too.

Please, everyone, leave Katie alone. Let her sink back into obscurity and do what she wants without forcing it on everyone else.

On banking, business & government. Sort of…

March 30th, 2009 § 1 comment § permalink

The Dunfermline Building Society has been bought by Nationwide, the UKs’ biggest building society.

Well, I say it’s bought Dunfermline…

But Nationwide will not be taking on the bits of Dunfermline that are seriously loss-making.

These are commercial property loans and portfolios of buy-to-let and self-cert mortgages – with a gross value of £1bn.

It’s actually bought only the good bits. And where are the bad bits going? Yup, to the treasury. Who’d have thought that would happen, eh?

Being a building society rather than a bank, there aren’t any short-termist-greedy shareholders to blame, probably just plain boring mismanagement.But once again, a private entity shifting it’s crap on to us, the taxpayer.

I realise there is not a lot that can be done about the shit currently hitting the fan, but for the future, companies/business, especially big business, need to be regulated to within an inch of their lives or kept small enough not to fuck everything else up if an entity goes belly up.

Capitalism and neoliberalism is trumpeted to be the the fairest business systems there is etc, but it doesn’t really seem fair to me that a company can take risks and reap the rewards, but then not have to take the consequences when the risks don’t go the way they expected/hoped.

Obviously, the old addage of the private sector doing a better, more effient job than the public sector is a load of old toss, and I reckon has come about because, right the way through from way before PFI to these latest bailouts, the public sector has taken the hit, and the private sector the profits.

Oh and don’t forget, If you fuck everything up big enough, you’ll be asked to advise the government on how to put it back together.

Even recently, when the government made a u-turn with the decision to put a service out to tender (I can’t remember which one) and then because of the uproar decided just to let the Post Office keep providing the service, the minister in charge on Radio 4s’ PM programme refused to answer the question of how much compensation the government had to pay the companies who have submitted tenders, citing commercial sensitivity.
What the fuck is that all about? Paying people because you don’t want them to do the job? You get a few builders round your house to quote for an extension. You suddenly decide that you’re going to move house rather than extend, you don’t pay the builders for loss of work or the time they took to quote, do you?
And commercial confidentiality? When the government aren’t actually getting anything in return? It could be argued for if the government was actually getting something for it’s (our!) money, but when it’s just a fucking payoff? Someone deserves a kick in the face for that.
Try it next time you go for a job and don’t get it. Send the company an invoice for time and travel and preparation of CV, maybe a new suit, see what the response is, because that is what these ‘Captains of Industry’ do when they applied for government contracts.

Nice work, if you can get it.

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